So it reminded me, not the revenge or friendship or utter morbid humor but the pining. I saw the girl from college a few times and I always pined for her.
It was one day under the arches between both wings of the library and I asked her for a cigarette while she stood by the standup ashtray. It was a few days before Christmas break. It would be the only time we spoke.
Now, I believe that students, male students in particular romanticize cigarette smoking in college. Entire classes of English majors associate shared smokes with the beginnings romantic interludes on windy french beaches.
The truth is, if you don’t know someone its very unlikely they will ask you for a smoke or share a smoke or what have you. The idea that a beautiful woman will appear out of nowhere and ask for a light is ludicrous...not like the rapper. Especially these days, with vanity and medical research rapidly destroying the already slim probability.
So I saw her and asked her for a smoke. Because women love petty dependancy.
I asked her what her name was and she said “Connie” which i thought was a name reserved for awkward lesbian basketball players or asian-american neurosurgeons. She was neither.
I said famously that “In this life, you can never have what you want.” which must have struck a chord because she didn’t say anything. She just nodded and smiled.
Then we talked about library fines and finals and I told her there was a good chance I would be quitting school after the semester to focus on my writing. Which, as it turns out was one of the only big plans I ever went through with.
“Why now?” she asked.
“Because Christmas is a time for giving up.” I said. I thought it was clever but likely that it had been said before. And that was that.
In the fall that next year I heard through the grapevine that one of the students at UWM was murdered and that it was her. Goddamn shame.
I pondered all of this and walked Carter down to Arby’s and got the five-for-six. Four of the five were mozzarella sticks, I figure they are the most expensive thus giving me the most bang for my buck.
It was something about my lazy attitude that made the girl from college haunt me. I knew that. It had to be. She needed someone who didn't give a fuck. I didn't and wouldn't.